I fully believe that there is a television producer somewhere who would love to do a reality show about Jessica and me and our life together.  We are like a modern day, female version of The Three Stooges, and since we’re women, we’re clearly more efficient, so we’ve managed to contain enough stooginess for three between the two of us.  Seven examples are a teeny, tiny, miniscule sample size, so I just decided to stick with things that have happened since Monday.

1. We went to Old Navy on Monday.  After we were made fun of by a saleswoman for having been there since before Moses parted the Red Sea and paying for our things, I quickly walked to the front door to leave.  I pushed the door, only to smack straight into the glass because I was supposed to pull the door open.  I pulled my body back a couple of inches, and right as I did, Jessica ran right into my back, causing me to hit the door again.  We were mortified.  We made a quick and decidedly more graceful exit after that.

2. One night this week, Jessica and I started singing Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” out loud.  Very loudly, in fact.  Mr Sinister started crying in the other room after we started singing.  He stopped right after we stopped.  Hmm.

3. We’re…sort of crazy about the cats.  I know other people are attached to their pets and talk to them, but I’m pretty sure most people aren’t as bad as we are.  We baby them, and we treat them like they’re royalty people.  I’m always advocating for them, much to Jessica’s chagrin.  I’ll use a high pitch voice and say, “Tuna, mama!  Tuna!”  Then I’ll look at Jessica and calmly say, “You know, I think you should give him some tuna.  He just seems so hungry…”  Which is a lie, because those cats eat more meals than a hobbit.  This always gets me a Medusa death glare, because she doesn’t like having to be strict or say no.  Or I’ll use the high pitch voice and say, “I’d be a lot happier if I had the Snuggie to lie on, mama…”  We do this all night.  No, really.  Every five minutes one of us will say, “Ohhhh!  Look at Stinky [Mr Sinister]!”  Or we’ll tell them that they are the prettiest cats in all the land.

4. We get our milk at a specific market because they sell Hood milk (the best) which is usually the most expensive kind, because that store sells it about fifty cents cheaper than store brand milks.  Anyway, this place used to always carry one-pound rolls? packages? of lean ground turkey for ninety-nine cents.  We love that ground turkey.  They haven’t had it for a couple of months.  This week, we went over to that section of the store on the off chance that they actually had it, and lo and behold!  They did!  A woman was standing in front of the last seven packages, and Jessica and I point and exclaim, “Yes!”  Not looking, we rush forward to get them.  We manage to tangle up in each other and then rush towards the ground turkey.  The woman quickly grabbed one and got out of the way.  I look at Jessica and say, “WE ARE GETTING THEM ALL.”  She said, “UH, YEAH.”  We grab them frantically–or, well, I do, because they have blood on them–and when we turn around with contented smiles on our faces, the woman had joined her friend and they were looking our way simultaneously snickering and looking horrified.  When we got to the car, Jessica said, “We were totally all, ‘GET THE HALFLINGS!’ back there.”  I frowned and responded, “We weren’t that bad, were we? …Ok, yeah, we were.”

5. Jessica has a ton of sick days left.  Before she found out that they actually roll over into next year, she was getting desperate to use them.  There were several times that she would express her concern over not getting to use them or, worse, losing them.  Then she’d say to me, “Lindsay!  Go get sick and then breathe on me.”  Because that’s the logical solution.  (Admittedly, it would have worked.  We both have weak immune systems, and when one of us gets sick, the other quickly follows.  Every. Single. Time.)

6.  The other night we were in her bedroom talking, and she stops and says, “I need to pee.”  I say, “Actually, I do, too.  Bathroom break!  Conversation continues in 20 seconds.”  So, naturally, Jessica yells out, “I’m gonna beat you!”  We run to our respective bathroom, me yelling, “It’s not fair!  You got to your bathroom first!” all the while. (She won by about three seconds.  She asserts that she waited until I got to my bathroom, but I assert that she is a liar.)  When we get back, we argue over who won for about ten seconds and then immediately slip back into our previous conversation without transition and as if nothing had happened.

7. We both have bad luck and even worse coordination.  At least once a week, one of us has a story about how we tripped, fell, ran into something, cut ourselves or otherwise made a fool of ourselves.  Always.  You can usually count on at least one story from both of us each week.  Two more accident-prone people would be hard to find.  Trust me, we’ve tried.  This week, I tripped several times on ice walking to the T station one day.  I only fell twice, but I managed to rip off a couple of layers of skin on my right hand in the process.  The same day, walking back, it started pouring rain four minutes into my .7-mile walk back home.  I was soaked by the time I got to the apartment.  Jessica just stood there smiling and said, “One of these days, you’re going to call me.”  After asking her what she meant, she said, “To come pick you up.”  And, since I was standing there, my hair and clothing entirely wet (but my makeup miraculously intact), I decided to be stubborn and hum to myself in my head while I grabbed a clean dish towel and wrung out my hair.

As always, more quick takes that are probably actually quick can be found over at Conversion Diary.

1. I bought my Christmas cards this week.  I have ambitious plans to get them out early.  I also have the lofty plan of writing each one with my glass pen and ink.  I’m in the process of getting caught up in my correspondence, and I’m thinking that after all of this that I may change my tune.  It’s not as easy as just using a pen.  The handwriting isn’t as neat either.  It looks nicer, just not so much my handwriting.  It’s a toss up, but I’d rather use a higher quality writing tool than have beautiful handwriting.  I don’t have beautiful handwriting in the first place, though, so that sort of settles it for me.

2. We have a bit of mold in our apartment, so our landlord had to come investigate.  While he was here, we found out that our neighbor, who we dub Jeepers Creepers, is known to go hunting for three or four weeks a time a few times a year.  Jessica and I have been joking (that’s what we’ll call it) that he’s a serial killer.  You see, he used to leave at night, presumably for work, but within the past couple of months, he seems to have switched over to days.  He drove a creepy truck with a lot of room, perfect for stashing bodies.  Now, my brother-in-law hunts, but as far as I know, he doesn’t do anything more than a day or a weekend hunting.  Three or four weeks spent hunting?  A few times a year?  Yeah, that’s not at all unusual.  That man is totally a hired assassin.  We’re convinced now.

3. I (finally) formally introduced myself to two of my neighbors, one of whom is Mrs Creepers.  She invited me into her apartment to see all her holiday decorations.  It was…insane.  Clark Griswold’s jaw would have dropped.  Jessica accused me of going into enemy territory.  I told her I was smart to charm the woman so that her husband doesn’t hunt us.  Granted, I could’ve been walking right into the real life Hansel and Gretel there.  Anyway, since I now know those two women, I feel as if it would be rude for me not to make them cookies or something for Christmas.

4. The other night right after Jessica went to her bedroom to go to sleep, I saw someone walk by our patio shaking his head and looking like he was trying not to laugh.  I went to my bathroom to brush my teeth, hearing Jessica talk to Miss Jupiter.  “Come here, baby girl!” It was while I was using mouth wash that it occurred to me that the man who looked like he was laughing may have heard Jessica talking.  And then it struck me.  Everyone seems to think we’re a lesbian couple, and we’ve never understood why.  I may have figured it out.

5. My friend Christine is on the leadership team for RCIA with me, and she lives around the corner, so I normally ride into the city with her each week for class.  This week, she brought along her daughter.  She doesn’t usually bring her, but when she does I usually sit in the backseat with Tess (her name is Therese) and keep her entertained, or try to.  When we arrived at the Catholic Center, Br Patrick was holding the door open for us, and Christine told him it’d be a few minutes.  He offered to wait, and she said, “It’ll be a few minutes; I have to feed her.”  She laughed when she opened the car door and said to me, “You know, I wonder if he thought I was talking about you.” I’m noticing a pattern.

6. I was going to go to Barnes&Noble today to use my gift card from Jessica.  I usually go to the one in the city at the Prudential Center.  I went there on Wednesday to scope out books so that I could maybe make up my mind as to what to purchase.  My brother called me while I was there, and we talked for a bit, but while we were talking and I filled him in on my plan, he suggested that I wait to go to B&N until I come home and then the two of us can go.  I agreed.  I’m sort of…involved in bookstores.  It’s where Lindsay’s time goes to die.  What I had intended to be a quick twenty-minute trip ended up being two hours at the store, and that’s with a short list of books I wanted to look at.  I don’t know if my brother had an ulterior motive or not, but I think it’ll be safer to go with him.  He can keep me on track, offer suggestions and help me make decisions.  Plus, quality time with one of my favorite people in one of my favorite places.  Win-win!

7. I’ve been majorly cutting down on coffee in preparation for when I go home so that I can survive.  I believe both of my siblings have coffee makers at their houses, but my father does not.  He did say that he could buy one, but I’d feel bad if he did that just for me when I’m only going to be back for two weeks (and house hopping the whole time, to boot!).  If I get desperate, I may let him.  I’m also going to be bringing caffeine pills home with me just in case (not the same!), but I’m cutting back.  So far, so not fun.

As usual, more quick takes can be found over at Conversion Diary where they’re hosted.