Normally, I can tolerate grammatical deficiencies fairly well.  I can control my physiological responses fairly well, though the occasional eye twitch or muscle spasm escapes my notice — or even the rare jaw drop if it is a particularly atrocious crime against humanity  my sanity  the English language.  Fortunately — unfortunately? — the more I hear a particular error, the more I can control my response.  It would seem that others’ consistent desensitization to proper grammar over time serves to desensitize my own desire to do some desensitizing of my own.  Of course, if I feel that it would not be impolite to do so, I will correct the individual.  However, there is rarely an instance in which doing so would not come across as rude.  Obviously, this is more acceptable if it is someone whom I feel comfortable with.

What is really irksome, though, is when you use proper grammar and then someone tries to correct you.  Yes, you read that right.  I was torn between incredulity, irritation and sadness that someone thought my proper grammar was incorrect.  This was met with a roaring, “WHAT” coupled with a jaw drop, an eye twitch and a muscle spasm.

So, to make myself feel better, I decided to turn this post into a grammar lesson which I am sure most of you already know.  However, I am going to do so anyway, because it will make me feel better.

I am going to talk about three verbs: lie, lie and lay.  Except really, I am only going to talk about two of them.  I would be lying (You will get tired of this if you are not already.) if I did not clarify that point.

So, I am going to deal with the issue of lay, meaning to place or put, and lie, meaning to recline.  Lay is transitive.  This means you perform this verb on an object.  It does stuff.  For example: Lay your grammar book on the table.  Lie is intransitive.  This means something or someone performs the verb in and of itself rather than performing the verb on or to something else.  For example: I am going to lie down, because the improper grammar is giving me a headache.

That’s simple enough, and most people understand that.  The tricky part comes in when you throw the past tense into the mix, and this tends to be what causes people to royally mess things up.  So, I shall construct a makeshift chart to simplify matters.

VERB               PRESENT TENSE               PAST TENSE               EXAMPLE

Lay (to place)            lay                                  laid                             Lay the grammar book on the table.

I laid the super helpful grammar book on the
pillow next to her head.

Lie (to recline)            lie                                  lay                              I am going to lie down, because the improper
grammar is giving me a headache.

I lay on my bed thinking of the days of yore when
English was English, and people knew how to
speak it.
Lie (to prevaricate)     lie                                  lied                             I do not lie when it comes to matters of grammar.

I lied when I said I did not mind that you tried to
correct my grammar even though it was already
correct.

Then there is the verb lie meaning to reside in.  Example: The strength of communication lies in properly speaking the language.  Then you have lye, which is not a verb at all but a noun, and I think they use it to make soap.  The most fun of all, though, is a lei.  It sounds like the present tense verb to lay and the past tense of the verb to lie (as in reclining).  It, too, is a noun.  It’s a wreath of flowers you get tossed around your neck if you go to Hawai’i, but I think you now have to pay for that.  (Where’s the fun in that?)  Uhm.  I believe it has also actually become a verb used to describe the action of putting a lei on someone, but I am not entirely certain whether that is a standard usage or not.

You’re probably wondering what someone “corrected” me on.  It was the past tense of to lie.  I said that I lay down yesterday afternoon to take a nap because I had a headache from the weather changes.  I was promptly corrected with, “You mean you laid down yesterday.  Wow, I can’t believe I got to correct the grammar nazi!”  My grammar is not always impeccable (I occasionally botch it up in conversation to fit in better depending upon whom I am speaking with, but I would say that even when I am incorrect I am 97% of the time aware of my mistakes.), but it definitely was then.  That is one of the verb usages that makes my eye twitch when people use it improperly.  Blargh!

I pass this every day — on my way to class, on my way to the Catholic Centre, on my way to the dining hall.

Well, I used to, anyway.  Seeing this every single day began to drive me mad.  I’m pretty sure that I’m the only person who sees it, or if I’m not, I’m certainly the only one whom it seems to bother.  I don’t know if the error on its own is worse or whether having “Professional” in the title is worse.

I used to stop and wonder whether it would be acceptable to go in and approach someone in order to inform him or her of their gross injustice to the human race, only to grab hold of myself before I went and did something stupid.  Going in just to tell them that would be overreacting.  I don’t think it’s overreacting, but I’ve been informed many times that other people would consider it to be so.  Stopping and standing to stare at it only seemed to magnify how much it bothered me, so I began quickly walking by the store every time I had pass that way.  I found myself still glancing at the store as I passed by, so then I forced myself to stop glancing.  But then?  Then I started thinking about it every time I passed by, even if I wasn’t looking at it.  Even if I didn’t look in that direction, I still knew it was there.  Knowing it was there was practically as bad.

Anyone who knows me at all can tell you that these little things really do get to me.  They would also tell you that I am completely incapable of ignoring these little annoyances and that I am insane.  For instance, if I go somewhere to eat and something on the menu is misspelled or there is a punctuation error I will not order that particular item.  I will not order it even if it is something I really, really want to eat.  My theory is that if they can’t get a simple thing like the spelling correct then I probably should not entrust them with preparing the meal properly.  That may seem a bit outrageous to some, but it makes perfectly good sense to me.  Granted, the spelling error could be on the part of the printer, but do I really want to take that chance?  No, I really don’t.  Similarly, I pass over recipes online if there are any egregious spelling or punctuation errors.  I am slightly more forgiving with punctuation and grammatical errors, but if you can’t spell what you’re making, that is not a good sign.  These type of annoyances don’t bother some people.  In fact, some people are capable of not even noticing.  I, clearly, am not one of them.  I don’t know how people are not bothered by these things, because they really drive me bonkers.  I just sit there, the anxiety building and building and building until I lose it.  I feel so very much better when the problem is fixed.  It really is like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.  The mental tic leaves!  I am freed and everything is grammatically and joyfully wonderful again and all is well.  Angels sing, people breathe sighs of relief that I am no longer freaking out and everyone is happy.

However, there has been no happy ending for this particular story because it is still there.  After two and a half extremely long years.  TWO.  AND A HALF.

Now?  I change my route.  Sometimes this considerably adds to my walking time, but I consider this an acceptable loss.  I like to think that I am just taking time to enjoy the world around me.  This is not entirely a lie, because it does allow me to enjoy the world of businesses around me that do not have taunting, glaring errors that sometimes find their way into my dreams.  (Is it weird to have nightmares about misspellings?)  Of course, this is not an easy thing to explain to your friends when you’re walking with them, so I don’t.  I just kind of head in another direction and they follow as we walk, unless they walk slightly faster than I do and they lead the way, which really frigging stinks.  I like to think of it as a kind of penance.